i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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