I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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