I just pynch a tree in the face
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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