Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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