I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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