I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
