dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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