So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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