so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
