remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
