I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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