I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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