so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize