I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
