took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
