hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
