don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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