I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
