1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
