this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
