Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
