he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
