clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
