So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My vagina just recognized that song.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
