my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
