I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
