so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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