someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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