The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I had to cum in my sink.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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