How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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