I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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