he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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