Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
A bitchslap is in order.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize