walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
