My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
dude. I can hear the air.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
