I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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