Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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