when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
