just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
i think my cat just said my name.
I am one with the molecules
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
