You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
