This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
A bitchslap is in order.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
