By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
