I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
