very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
