i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
