there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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