I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
