My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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