evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
