Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize