Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
