so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
