I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
