My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
