oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Semen is not good for contacts.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
