i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
