I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
