Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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