Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
